The Harbhajan Incident a la Monty Python

"Your honour, aila, he did not use the word monkey, it's a hindi word, in india we worship monkeys, aila, that is why all those mumbai-wallahs were screaming monkey monkey, because you know they love symonds, really this is all about friendship."

"I dunno what he's talking about, he called me a big monkey and that's that. We told him not to say it and he said it. Hindi-schmindi. A line has been crossed."

whisper-that-turns-louder "It appears the Indians are labouring under the mis-apprehension that monkey is not a racist abuse."

"Your honour, really, he did not say monkey. He said, "maa ki", which means "your mothers". It is a sort of short form for mother-f*er. So he was only abusing his mother, that is all. That is allowed isn't it?"

"Yes, but how do I know he said or didn't say "maa ki"...

"Mate, you're a repeat offender, get it! Enough of this, come on, what did you tell me? "Abey maaki" or "A Big Monkey?"

*monetary pause*

"Aila, bhajji, that does sound the same. Aila I say."

"In the eyes of the court, the defendent is found guilty, warts and all."

"But, but, you can't...I mean...think about the cultural differences."

Judge, incredulous, "Cultural differences? What do you mean?"

"Look here, if you carry on with this tomfoolery, we'll be forced to quit playing."

random voice "Bastard!"; answering random voice "Monkey!" *sounds of scuffle*

"Order! Order! There shall be no culturally offensive abuse in the court. Only sexist, deeply personal abuse dealing primarily with either sex or suffering wives to be uttered!"

*We now interrupt this program to bring you something completely different. It is reported that the kettle has called the pot black. Over to our special reporter*

"Yes, yes, I'll bring the beer...what's that?...I'm on television...oh right. *adjusts tie* At around 11.25 am today, witnesses claim they saw the kettle calling the pot black. When questioned as to what could have provoked such an astonishing announcement, the kettle said it was cultural differences. The pot, according to sources, has gone a bit off the boil. Back to you, studio guy."