Growing into me

Okay, so I'm warning you this is going to be very intense and emo type

Still there? I mean, I'm listening to Atif Aslam.

Hmmm.

Right now, life is close to being a bit scary; for, as they say, "professional" reasons. I suppose one can comfort oneself by claiming it is okay beta chase your dreams and all. And, being the obstinate romantic fool, I be doing the above, right mamu?

Except that there's times of doubt, where you look back at yourself extrapolate forwards in time and worry about your own abilities. Self doubt is a terrible thing, you see, although it is a great motivator. It is probably the single worst thing you have to confront because no one, no one has an answer to it.

The problem is, I'm seeing capable, smart people not quite making it. They're not exactly on the streets, but the desperation is evident even to me. Where am I going to go what am I going to do I'm turning 30 god help me etc. These are good friends, old friends, the sort you don't hesitate to call (although it's been a long time since we had a chat like 4 years ago when we were freed of the need to make something of ourselves). Calling is painful too now, how do you soothe someone with its-okay-something-will-happen when inside you're squirming as well? Honesty requires an honest answer, and scary as it is, I don't have an answer.

Should I say listen perhaps you aren't as good as you thought you were? Should I say the world doesn't know what its missing? What can I say to you when you don't return the email I sent, with a lame attempt at a joke 3 years past its expiry. I get it, you're not in a laughing mood, this is no joke, there's a possibility of a happy accomplished life that looks like it's slowly sinking away. Maybe you could consider the possibility that that's not what you were cut out for.

That is however the only way I can respond, because it isn't too far now for me, this looking for security. So I make fun of it, because thank the lord, at least we have a place to go to in case everything fails. Ex-post, like my brother says, everything works out. Might as well have a laugh about it, because apart from laughter and the warmth of our lately disappearing companionship there really isn't much else worth fighting for.

But I get it, I really do, and it scares me as well. What if, you're asking yourself, what if I have to spend the rest of my life as a disappointment to myself?

Maybe we should have done that MBA what? Yeah right! It's been a great trip so far, so what if it takes an unexpected turn? Come over to our little dumpy flat with its old carpet sometime won't you. We'll get drunk and watch movies and make french toast at 2 am again to go watch the snow outside and strike up an arbitrary conversation with two old ladies who surprise us with their energy at this time of night-morning. It did nothing for our ego, but it got us through in splendid fashion.